Unto the Least of These

Pearls of Great Price?

2006-12-14T10:55:00.000-05:00

Calling all Representatives...

2006-12-13T13:58:00.000-05:00

From Project NoSpank

A bill has been sponsored by US Representative Ed Markey to ban the advertising and sale of devices to whip and beat children in the US. This bill needs co-sponsors to get it moving and voted on.

So, please write to your US Representative!! Enter your state & ZIP code at this Web page. Then click "Contact My Representative." You will be taken to your Representative's homepage where you can contact them. Here is a sample letter you can use:

Dear Representative ________,

I am your constituent, and I am deeply concerned that it is legal to sell devices in the US specifically for whipping and beating babies and children. Rep. Ed Markey is sponsoring a bill to ban the marketing of these devices. Please co-sponsor this important bill to end the advertising and sale of these devices.

A law is needed to end this ugly and dangerous business for good. Please lend your support to this worthy endeavor. Rep. Markey's aide, Jeff Duncan, is working actively on the bill, and can be reached at (202) 225-2836, or Jeff.Duncan@mail.house.gov

I look forward to hearing from you.

(your name)

The Spencer Spanking Plan

2006-12-04T09:42:00.000-05:00

It's more familiar than you think...

It is a product of today--an act of discipline given under carefully defined and controlled conditions. Brutality is entirely foreign to the idea. Revenge, oppression, force and violence are all frowned upon and do not enter into the Plan in any way.

The idea of a modern spanking is to administer punishment when it is needed--then make up and forget the whole incident.

Establish causes that will produce the discipline.

Agree upon the matter thoroughly. Don't leave the thing to the whim of the moment.

A modern spanking is not a dreadful thing to endure. It hurts a little, of course. It has to hurt to be effective. But there is no danger to it. The temporary hurt is beneficial--it gives them just the lesson they need--and when it is over, THE TROUBLE IS OVER.

2.--Care must be taken not to bruise the flesh, raise welts or injure the body in any way. The punishment should continue long enough, however, to be truly effective and to impart a beneficial lesson.

3.--A spanking must never be administered in anger. Wait until both parties are calm and it can be carried out properly.

9.---The punishment should be inflicted upon the bare skin. In no other way can a careful check be kept on the progress of the spanking or whipping. Remember, the idea of modern corporal punishment is to sting the flesh effectively, without cutting or harming it in any way. To do the job intelligently, therefore, a constant scrutiny of the skin MUST be maintained. A spanking or whipping administered over clothing--even a thin, single garment is "blind punishment." It may be altogether too severe, or not severe enough.

A question many people ask, when first taking up modern discipline, is: "How long should a spanking last? About how many slaps should be given?"

There can be no definite answer to such a question. I do not recommend any certain stated number of slaps. The idea is always to continue the spanking until you believe it has been effective-without at any time resorting to unnecessary harshness or uncalled for severity.

It has been found that comparatively mild slapping, applied to the buttocks, can be made to sting effectively, without doing one particle of damage or leaving any evidence of unpleasant, harsh treatment. The object is to sting the flesh--make the whole spanking surface hot and tender--so that the repeated application of the descending hand is severe enough to make the recipient realize she is really being disciplined.

When a spanking is to be given, the wife is directed to go to her room and get ready. This means she is to undress and wait up in her room until her husband comes up to discipline her.

When her husband enters the room there should be no delay in carrying out the discipline. She must not argue about the matter--beg to be let off--or show any sign of resentment. She must obey without a word.

It is best not to say a single word during this period.

The wife should quietly place herself across her husband's lap--after he seats himself on the edge of the bed. Holding her in place, in the age-old spanking position, he begins spanking her. His duty is to do a thorough job-- taking the utmost pains to do it right.

The spanking over--and still without speaking--the husband should let his wife up, then quietly leave the room.

It's the wife's duty--after dressing and drying her tears (if the spanking has provoked any) to go to her husband then, thank him for administering the discipline--and kiss him.

If this seems hard to do, you have lost the true spirit of the Plan and you must MAKE YOURSELF DO IT in order to win it back!

Friendly relations should then be immediately re-established.

Wait, you say! I thought you were describing CHILD discipline! What's this about wives and husbands?

Surprised?

That, my friends, is where your 'godly' advice on spanking comes from.

Good old-fashioned S and M.

Yep.

Dobson describes it perfectly.

So does Pearl.

Even Ezzo.

And then they have to set up entire ministries to rescue men and women from their porn addictions.

I wonder how many perversion-free children we could raise if we just stopped performing sexual assaults on them?

Grace, Grace, God's Grace...

2006-11-05T19:46:00.000-05:00

Grace that is greater than all my sin.

And the gift is not like that which came through the one who sinned. For the judgment which came from one offense resulted in condemnation, but the free gift which came from many offenses resulted in justification.
Rom 5:17
For if by the one man's offense death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.)
Rom 5:18
Therefore, as through one man's offense judgment came to all men, resulting in condemnation, even so through one Man's righteous act the free gift came to all men, resulting in justification of life.
Rom 5:19
For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so also by one Man's obedience many will be made righteous.
Rom 5:20
Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more,
Rom 5:21
so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound....

*sigh* Why do we make it so hard?

Why, oh why, do we feel the need to be our own Savior?

It. is. a. work. of. Grace.

I can not save myself. I can not save my family. What I do, how I look, where I go or don't go - not even how gentle or attached I am to my son - it's as filthy rags.

I stand before God righteous by grace alone.

not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit,
Tts 3:6
whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior,
Tts 3:7
that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
Tts 3:8
This is a faithful saying, and these things I want you to affirm constantly, that those who have believed in God should be careful to maintain good works. These things are good and profitable to men.
Tts 3:9
But avoid foolish disputes, genealogies, contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and useless.

no matter how good or how profitable the work, it is not Salvation! Yes, we serve God. Yes, we do good works.

But Christ alone has saved us through Grace.

I've been glancing back through my pitifully small archives...

2006-11-01T10:56:00.000-05:00

re-reading a few of my posts.

Unfortunately, after almost a year of this blog, I could still say so many of the same things over and over again.

I've actually contemplated a large-ish forehead tattoo on more than on occasion. Just one word. "GRACE" . Grace. Grace.

That's what the church world needs to be reminded of. Unmerited favor. Favor we don't deserve, escape from punishment that should have been ours, everything up to and including life everlasting.

All paid for by He who was fully God yet fully Man.

But we can't see it. We're blinded by our own little slice of fundementalist 1900-ish Victorian traditions. (you know, the generation who introduced CIO, scheduled feeding, maternal abandonment, and everything else that's toting us to hell in a handbasket. Ever wonder WHY these last few generations have been so remarkably awful compared to the 'good old days? Could it be because we sacrificed our God-given instincts on the alters of the self annointed experts?)

We all think we need to be punished, deserve to be punished, can not be forgiven without punishment. We *need* our tri-weekly beratings from the pulpit to remain holy. We *need* to wallow in guilt. We *need* to repeat the same sins over and over and over again - after all, we're too weak to overcome them on our own.

Grace.

Grace says Jesus took upon himself the document decreeing our guilt and NAILED IT TO HIS OWN CROSS! He erased it with His own blood.

Jesus came that we might have abundant life, not be stifled by our feelings of guilt and inadequacy. The very things we feel guilt over, He doesn't even see. He's covered us, and we spend weeks, months, years, lifetimes trying to frantically erase His blood to call attention back to our own guilt. "But SEE, God? See what I did? Where are the lighting bolts from Heaven!? You must hate me, Lord!"

And all the while, He stands there holding out Grace. Forgiveness. Peace. Love. Eternity.

Is it any wonder we struggle to apply Grace to our children? We have such a hard time to grasp it for ourselves...

I'm quoting a friend here...

2006-10-31T06:19:00.000-05:00

because she's added something very eloquent to the GBD discussion.

Imagine this ...

Walking into a little white church, a man stumbles across the lobby and struggles with his sinful nature. He enters the pastor's counseling office tearfully seeking guidance. After hearing of the man's inability to cope with his own humanity, the pastor orders the man to lean over his desk with his palms down on the lemony 'Endust'-scented wood. The pastor then pulls out a mahogany offering plate and begins to beat the sinner across the back. "This", says the man of God, "will help you to think before you drink again!"

Or, how about this scenario:

A young mother of three is having a lousy day. The demands of the home are overwhelming, she has a terrible headache, and her husband walks through the door and makes an unrealistic demand on her. She bursts into exhausted tears and retorts with angry words...so her husband calmly whips off his belt and begins to lash her bare legs, punishing her for her disrespectful attitude. She begs him to stop with mascara streaming down her face, but he persists, insisting that her pain is "for her own good." He then prays with his wife, asking God to forgive her sin.

Outrageous! Unmerciful! Unkind! Abusive!!

And yet this is how many of the smallest members of Jesus' precious flock are treated on a daily basis.

Jesus' blood was offered for every one of us, from the greatest to the least. The law was a light exposing every sin, but it did absolutely nothing to atone for those sins. Even the slaughter of animals was only a shadow of the grace that was to come. His blood and grace set us free! Totally free from the fear of punishment, totally free from the condemnation that burdened our souls.

"For God did not send His Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world through him might be saved." The gospel of John, 3.17

He didn't see us as candidates for hell. He saw children all born with a disease: sin. We could
somewhat control it on our "good" days, we could try to hide it and appear well, or we could totally succumb to it when we were too weak to fight anymore...but we all have it. He came as our doctor, not as our judge. He came to put on the same filthy rags we wore and say, "Watch and learn, guys. This is how you can lick this. And, by the way, even on your weak days, you don't need to throw in the towel, because I already defeated death for you. Follow me!"

"For we don't have a High Priest who can't be touched by the feeling of our infirmities, but one who has been in all points tempted like we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore draw near with boldness to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy, and may find grace for help in time of need." Hebrews 4.15, 16

If Christ has the grace and patience to gently guide and discipline us, prodding us, teaching us, showing us, allowing us to experience the direct consequences of our mistakes and picking us up when we fail...why can't we do the same for our children?

Why should anyone be considered weak who chooses to walk alongside their children and teach them rather than spanking them? (Teaching is certainly a lot more work than spanking. Perhaps we sometimes chose this because of our own lack of self discipline?) Why is pain needed to teach them how to follow our Shepherd? Didn't Christ take our punishment?

But punishment works! Yes, it does. People who are afraid of being struck by someone bigger than them are generally very compliant. And abused dogs cower with one stern look, and battered women try very hard to please their partners. But what pattern does this set up for the child? Obedience out of fear of punishment.

This is exactly why Christ came into the world. He came to do away with legalism and fear, and replace it with the kind of free life that enables people follow him with a full heart motivated by love. He freed us up to make mistakes, accept his grace, and wholeheartedly chase after holiness and true compassion for our fellowman. Our motivation for obedience doesn't have to be fear anymore!

2 Timothy 1.7- "For God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-discipline."

Instead of motivating our children to obedience through fear of punishment, we can learn to equip them with the tools they need to discipline themselves. (HUGE difference between discipline and punishment, by the way. Punishment is forcing someone to pay retribution for their wrongdoing. Discipline is actively discipling someone and instructing them in something.)

We have such a unique opportunity as parents! We, who know all too well the struggle with our own human nature, can walk alongside our little ones, saying, "This is how I deal with this!" "Try this, instead" or "This is how God helps me with this problem". Rather than punishing (which is completely unneeded, thanks to Christ's sacrifice! Thank you Lord!), we can help our children learn to control themselves with a spirit of gentleness and love. What a chance of a lifetime!

Do I expect my girls to learn to obey? Abso-stinkin'-lutely. Do I realistically expect them to be able to control themselves all the time as children? Nope. (Man, I'm an adult, and I still mess up on a regular basis.) It's my job to teach them how to control themselves, and guide them towards healthy adulthood.

My goal for them as adults is love of God, kindness, and humble obedience to their Savior. Whether they are always "little ladies/gentlemen" isn't the issue. Whether they're "well-behaved" isn't the issue. I'm much more concerned about them eventually learning to be considerate and compassionate towards their fellowman for the right reasons, rather than being merely polite at the age of three because they fear a spanking.

They're going to mess up. My prayer is that eventually, they will willingly offer themselves as bond servants to Christ out of sheer love of the God-man, rather than fear that He will punish them if they don't.

Because punishment and fear of punishment is missing the whole point of following Christ.

"By this God's love was revealed in us, that God sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him.

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent His son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Beloved, if God loved us in this way, we also ought to love one another.

In this love has been made perfect among us, that we have boldness on the day of judgement, because as He is, even so are we in this world.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment. He who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love Him, because He first loved us."

(The first letter from John, 4.9,10,11,17,18)

from here

The Fruit of the Spirit...

2006-10-03T07:44:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking of this lately, and how it should be manifest in my life - specifically in my parenting.

Here's the Scripture:
But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, and self-control.

Raising a child - a Godly child - can be so very frustrating and challenging and humbling. I see in my son my own failings, my own lack of the perfection, my own falling short of the glory of God.
The temptation can be enormous to try to force those 'sins' out of him. Not only do I long for his eternal salvation, but it can be hard to live with at times!

I do believe my child is my brother in Christ, and I do believe the Spirit is upon him. He is not yet of an age, though, where he comprehends or is responsible for the things of God.

I am.

And so, I remind myself of this passage of Scripture.

And, as always, I compare this Scripture to my experiences as a Christian, as a child, as a reader of all the Christian parenting manuals and how-to-dos and devotionals.

And I think.

The Fruit of the Spirit is Love.
How do I allow the Spirit to manifest love through me, to my son?
Of course, when I hold him and cuddle him and kiss him and tell him that he is the sweetest, most precious gift from God.
But I need to manifest this fruit when he's at his most unloveable, as well. When he is tired, cranky, over-stimulated, over-whelmed, and desperate - do I show the self-sacrificing love that the Spirit should produce in my life?

The Fruit of the Spirit is Joy.
Does the Spirit work joy in my life toward my son?
When he's showing off a new skill, or sweetly smiling up at me, or whispering a soft 'I wuv you mama', my heart swells with joy.
But I need to allow the Spirit to produce joy in my life when he is crying, and scared, and clingy. When he temporarily shows himself to be less than the perfect boy I usually think he is, do I still show Joy in being his mama?

The Fruit of the Spirit is Peace.
Am I at Peace around him in our day to day life?
When he's softly sleeping, murmuring quietly about his day, it's easy to look down at him and feel peace.
But I need to remember that peace, cling to that peace, and practice that peace when he is bouncing off the walls, singing a made up song at the top of his little lungs, and running wildly from one end of the house to the other.

The Fruit of the Spirit is Patience.
Patience - that's a big one!
I wait patiently as he picks every flower in our yard to bring them to me one at a time - during dandelion season, even!
But after the 45th rendition of 'MY DO IT, MAMA!" I know it's time to allow that particular Fruit of the Spirit an extra row or two in my heart.

The Fruit of the Spirit is Kindness.
Kindness is not a word I use much. It's a character trait that is much under-valued in our society. But each time I smile when I feel like frowning, each time I hold my son and say "you sound so upset! tell mama about it", I'm allowing Kindness to grow.

To be continued...my son needs me now.

You know what's amazing to me?

2006-08-30T07:34:00.000-04:00

(not just the fact that I've neglected this blog for so long, either - sorry about that!)

What's amazing to me is the reaction of spankers to other spankers, when they see or hear the same behavior modeled back to them.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of spankers in my family. It's enough to make me believe that violence is a genetic trait, as is alcoholism.

Each one of these spankers have children who flinch when the parents make a quick move, children who duck and cover their heads or bottoms when a parent walks by. Children who dive in front of their siblings with arms outstretched, begging the parents not to hit.

And each of these adults will tell you that they 'spank only in love, never in anger. We follow it up with a time of restoration and connection. We spank as God has outlined in His Word.'

They completely miss these points:

God NEVER outlined 'how to spank'. He *did* warn about people who offend little ones.
Unless you are completely psychotic, it's impossible to hit a cowering, crying child without feeling some level of anger. Our God-given instincts tell us to comfort and protect the little ones.
The restoration and connection? It's just like the wifebeater who brings roses after a jolly round of wife-punching. It only soothes the minds of the tormentor - never of the tormented.

And so what happens when a spanker sees another spanker in action, or hears them?

They react with anger and self-justification.

"I don't spank that hard."
"I don't spank when I'm angry."
"They were just taking (insert any arrogant 'Christian' child torture expert's name here) advice too far - that's not really how they meant it."
"My children aren't abused like those poor kids."

Because they have to delude themselves, they don't realize - spanking looks exactly the same in EVERY family.

The act is violent, intrusive, sexually degrading, and emotionally damaging.

How children react will vary depending on the child.

But there is not one person who has ever been spanked who was not harmed in a much more lingering way than the temporary red bottom.

And I know, I KNOW - there are people reading this who will say "Well, I grew up being spanked and it never hurt me. I deserved it. As a matter of fact, when I think of what I grew up getting away with, I probably should have gotten more!"

And that mindset, my dear readers, is one of the most damaging effects of all.

How very true this is...

2006-08-01T22:10:00.000-04:00

My friend Crystal has written a very true article that really resonated with me.

I wanted to plug it here - this is something that has needed to be said.

I'm so thankful that Crystal is willing to be used to say these things.

A Blog Challenge for you!

2006-07-21T11:26:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking more and more lately on the verse my blog is titled after.

And the King will tell them,
I assure you, when you did it to
one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,
you were doing it to me!
Matthew 25:40

And I'm curious...

How does this look in your home? How do you actively seek ways to serve the least of these? I know many days, I'm impatient with my toddler - as much as I strive to live out the fruit of the Spirit toward him, sometimes the daily grind gets to me. Or I'm feeling bad, or he's feeling bad, or I'm stressed - you name it, it's probably happened at some point.

I have to stop and meditate and remind myself that serving him is service to God. Not that I for one moment abdicate my role of parental authority, but serving him - truly serving him, as Christ served us, is something that I am called to do.

Here's the challenge - some time in the next week, think about this. Do this. Blog about this, or comment on this blog.

Let's do unto the least of these as we would do to Jesus.

Is there a difference?

2006-07-02T10:51:00.000-04:00

I had a very productive conversation with one of my SIL's yesterday. It's hard *not* to compare my son with other people's children. And I do know I've been blessed with an adorable child.

However, SIL #1 was comparing my son with SIL #2's children, who have been raised with the terrorizing tactics of Michael Pearl. Up until this point, SIL#1 has professed to believe that I am absolutely nuts for my non-violent approach to parenting. However, she's noticed that SIL#2's oldest child hits his little sister immediately following every switching. Go figure, huh? The thought that hitting teaches hitting - what a bizarre idea!

SIL#1 was asking me questions, and actually wanting to hear why we've come to the conclusions we have in parenting.

And I posed a question to her that really, really disturbed her. Here it is:

"When you did something wrong as a child, what if instead of spanking, your father had reached down and slowly fondled your buttocks?"

She turned about 5 shades of green, and said 'That is TOTALLY disgusting! Why would you say such a thing?'

My answer?

'Why is it any different? The same hand, the same buttock - but because he caused physical pain instead of emotional pain, it's called discipline and not sexual assault.'

She didn't have a response to that, other than 'That really makes me think...'

'Put a Happy on...'

2006-06-18T16:10:00.000-04:00

That's the phrase I heard uttered the other day.

I was talking to an aquaintance, and we were discussing our children. She was so proud of what her son said to her mother last week: 'Nana, ______ get spankings and it makes me be a good boy.'

I couldn't help it. I have made the decision to never be silent when it comes to the little ones. So I let the horror I felt show on my face, and I said "That is incredibly sad!" Of course, she was quite taken aback by this. Her church, her family, hands out the child abuse manuals written by Michael Pearl. This woman was raised with harsh methods such as those, and really, she knows no better.

She's just one of many misguided but loving people who see no other way to properly nurture a child. I should know - I once was one myself.

Anyway, she was running through all the familiar arguments to justify hitting a baby. 'They only get it when they really need it.' My response? "Who gives it to you?" Her: "That's different!"

"Well, they get this attitude that just has to be driven out of them."
"Are you past your attitudes yet, or do you (at nearly 40) still struggle?"
"That's different!"

"We believe in discipline."
"So do we. We *don't* believe discipline means hitting a child."
"It's not hitting, it's spanking. That's different."

"And we believe in the man ruling the home."
"So does he beat you when you get out of line? Because my husband doesn't hit me."
"NO! Of COURSE not! It's DIFFERENT"

yada yada yada...you all get the general drift. Apparently, it's some mysterious component that makes this all legal and good and GODLY to do to a baby. I think I've identified what it is, too. Here's a hint....it has something to do with the ratio of body mass and which one in the parent/child equation has the legal right to hit.

After all...when children do to other children what their parents do to them - they get labeled as offenders, bullies, and mentally ill. Pharmaceutical companies make blood money from the rage these children have no other way to express, and thus get medicated for.

At the end of my conversation with this woman, she thought she'd dispense a wonderful child-rearing tip. 'We just do what my parents did. We say 'put a happy on NOW' and that means they have to change their facial expression right away. You should see how cute it is when tears are running down his face and he's trying to smile anyway because I told him to.'

I just started shaking my head - in honest bewilderment, too. I can not understand being so anal and arrogant that you feel the need to, and the right to, make someone else stuff down honest emotion because it inconveniences you.

I've seen the horrors that result from stuffing emotion over the long term. It leads to many, many diseases. That whole pesky mind/body connection, you know?

Yes, the Bible says 'A merry heart does good, like a medicine.'

When did we stop encouraging genuine joy in our children?

Why do we allow a few twisted, sick individuals to pervert that verse to read 'Make your child have a merry face, if necessary, by threatened or actual violence, so you don't have to look at them having any emotion other than robotic" ?

A Little Birdie Told Me...

2006-06-16T00:14:00.000-04:00

That the GCM Mamas have come through again!

Thanks to everyone who donated time and offered prayers - I know I've been at loose ends without the message board!

I am leaving up one of the 'Donate' buttons, as I want people to still have the chance to contribute to GCM. It's a place that has been a safe haven, and a wonderful community of Titus 2 Moms. That's worth each bit of PayPal we can send! So please, (and this is totally unsolicited from Jeri!) let's keep GCM on our list of ministries to support!

Speaking of ministries, I've been hanging out at http://aolff.org a lot lately.

A couple of the articles have really hit home, so to speak.
How to Make Your Husband Feel Like a King
and
Submission

Gee, Crystal - you know I love you! But housework?! REALLY?! I am sooooooooo not about that, and yet, those are some really great points in those articles....

Guess that means I should get off this computer and go wash my dishes! *giggle*

The Official Announcement

2006-06-15T17:53:00.000-04:00

http://gentlechristianmothers.com/

My poor little neglected blog...

2006-06-11T16:24:00.000-04:00

I have been *so* busy lately! I am mulling over a few topics for here, but I haven't had two coherent moments to string things together.

I'm also trying to come up with a new design for this blog. I will be back to this place, I promise!

I just need a few minutes of quiet.....

Another Gospel of Jesus Christ....

2006-05-12T10:35:00.000-04:00

Let God's curse fall on anyone, including myself, who preaches any other message than the one we told you about. Even if an angel comes from heaven and preaches any other message, let him be forever cursed. Gal. 1:8

That is a very sobering scripture to me...

I do believe that many of the parenting books out there that profess to be Christian are instead preaching another gospel.

I've read a lot of them. And shockingly, the vast majority are teaching a doctrine that borders on heresy. They teach that the Cross of Christ is not able to cover our children's sin! With shoddy interpretations of Proverbs, they declare that my child can not be saved unless I hit him - literally hit him - with a stick.

That is horrifying to me on so many levels - I shudder for the parents who are reading this and taking it as gospel...for the children whose parents are trying to be God to them....for the people who preach this false gospel to families.

Since when is God not big enough to save my child? When did His agonizing sacrifice, His blood, the pain He bore become inadequate to wash away the sin of the most innocent among us?

When did *my* righteousness (the same that Paul said is as filthy rags) become more potent than Calvary? Instead of leading my child to the nail-pierced hands, I am told to take my hands and cause pain to my son. Instead of pointing to the stripes He took on his back, I am supposed to place stripes on my child's back. Instead of resting in the knowledge that "It is Finished", I am supposed to continually inflict grief upon my boy - to cause him to bear in his body the punishment that Jesus already took upon Himself.

I am not God. I have no right to punish my child for sin that Calvary has covered. The dark communion that bruises and breaks my child's body for his own sin is not one that I will partake of.

Instead, I preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ to my child.

You have been taught the holy Scriptures from childhood, and they have given you the wisdom to receive the salvation that comes by trusting in Christ Jesus. 2Tim. 3:15

Christ alone can do the work of atonement. As a mother, my prayer is that I will lead my child to that saving knowledge of Grace.

racism, immigration....etc.

2006-05-09T18:48:00.000-04:00

I've been deluged with emails all day long from my family. They all have to do with the immigration debate, and they have been progressively worse.

You know, for the record, I'm somewhere in the middle on immigration issues. I think we need to have open borders. I think people shouldn't come in illegally. I also firmly believe that the immigration laws need to be reformed to make entrance into this country more accessible.

Regardless of wheres anyone stands on this, I think we all can agree that there is nothing to be gained by calling other races and nations by names that I refuse to repeat. Racism is evil, evil, evil.

God made us all. And comments like "those ***** come in MY country and drop their baby on MY territory and then want rights" do not reflect a Christlike and loving attitude.

What did I expect, though? This is from the same man who thinks that MLK was a rabble rouser. That kids are born inherently evil and the Cross can not save them, that only the vicious application of pain can redeem them. That people from other countries, any other country, are not as good as he is.

I'm glad my grandfather, who dedicated the last 20 years of his life as a servant to his Hispanic brothers and sisters, is not alive to hear the hatred spewing from some of his offspring.

*deep breath* ok, now that I'm done ranting, I'm off to pray that the Mercy of the Lord will lead him to a better understanding of the least of these....

Food for thought....

2006-04-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

Here's a few names for what people do to kids, in the name of "discipline."

Since most of my readers are adult women, I'd like you to do something. Imagine these actions being performed upon you by someone 3 times your size. Imagine if this could be done solely upon the whims of that person. Imagine that person giving your boss and your friends the right to do the same to you.

Now imagine living in a world where you are told "that is not abuse! cry and I'll give you something to really cry about!" Imagine living in a world where the authorities said that you belong to the other person, and they won't get involved unless there is visible blood. Imagine going to your pastor for help, and being told "God says in His Word that this must be done to you."

And then, look around you. This is the world our children live in. This is their reality.

From Here
hit
v. hit, hit·ting, hits
v. tr.

1. To come into contact with forcefully; strike: The car hit the guardrail.
2. To reach with or as if with a blow: The bullet hit the police officer in the shoulder.
1. To cause to come into contact: She hit her hand against the wall.
2. To deal a blow to.

slap
n.

1. A sharp blow made with the open hand or with a flat object; a smack.
2. The sound of such a blow.

smack¹
v. smacked, smack·ing, smacks

n.

The loud sharp sound of smacking.
A sharp blow or slap.

swat
tr.v. swat·ted, swat·ting, swats

To deal a sharp blow to; slap.

A sharp blow; a slap.

switch
n.

A slender flexible rod, stick, or twig, especially one used for whipping.
A flailing or lashing, as with a slender rod.

v. switched, switch·ing, switch·es
v. tr.

Chiefly Southern U.S. To whip with or as if with a switch, especially in punishing a child.

spank
v. spanked, spank·ing, spanks
v. tr.

To slap on the buttocks with a flat object or with the open hand, as for punishment.

A slap on the buttocks.

beat
v. beat, beat·en, (btn) or beat beat·ing, beats
v. tr.

1. To strike repeatedly.
2. To subject to repeated beatings or physical abuse; batter.
3. To punish by hitting or whipping; flog.

Where to Start?

2006-04-22T10:30:00.000-04:00

There is so much I want to do these days. And I just don't know where to start!
I want so much to do *something* for the children of the world. More specifically, for the ones who are growing up with what I went through - the ones who are being abused in God's Name.

I know, change begins at home. It has. My home is a violence free zone. My child won't grow up with the terror.

But much like those early abolitionists, like the uppity women who demanded women's suffrage, like the women who paved the way for women's equality - I see a change that needs to take place. I'm not able to just be content with changing my small sphere.

I want to, need to, be part of something bigger. And not with any grandiose delusions of fame or fortune, not with any desire for acclaim.

But something must be done about the child abuse that goes on. I think it's going to be a coming together of all the grassroots organizations. If all of us band together, this cause can triumph.

I don't think child abuse will ever totally cease. Humanity is too depraved.

But I want to at least see honesty and clarity brought to bear down on this.

Just as women brought the true reasons behind minority oppression and the injustices toward women out into the open - it must be done with child abuse as well.

In my lifetime, I've seen the progression toward greater civil rights. I've seen domestic violence (spouse to spouse) decrease as people are better educated and more choices for women become available.

I'd like to see child abuse decline as well. I want it to be no longer socially acceptable for it to be said "God wants me to hit my kids." After all, mysogynistic comments are no longer welcome. The usage of words such as nigger and spic are decried by 'polite society'. Women can now be so much more than the office eye candy.

It's a big goal. I firmly believe it's an achievable one.

I just don't know where to start.

Tongue in Cheek...

2006-04-17T07:58:00.000-04:00

A bit of sarcasm in reaction to the only books that seem to be written these days ;)

How to Write a Romance Novel

Man meets Woman.
Use words like instant, overwhelming, sizzling, and fate.

Man and Woman endure peril.
Use words like danger, fear, and palpitating.

Man and Woman fight attraction, but give in.
Use words like simultaneous, ecstasy, arching, and moan.
Use at least five descriptions of male anatomy.
Bonus points if you can manage to avoid the words “manhood” or “maleness”.

Man saves Woman from peril.
Use words like hero, muscles, sweaty, and shimmer.

Man and Woman succumb to attraction once more.
Good luck finding words you haven’t used the first scene.

Man and Woman have a horrible fight.
Use words like leave, horrid, abominable, and frustrating.

Man and Woman make up.
Use words like happy, ever, and after.

Congratulations! You’ve just written a Romance Novel!

So, I guess I'm a feminist?

2006-04-10T12:02:00.000-04:00

*sigh* That's a big, loud, exhale down to one's toes kind of sigh.

Apparently, I'm being labeled as a feminist now. And in my neck of the woods...in my portion of religious tradition...that's a bad thing. Women are supposed to be MEEK and SUBMISSIVE and QUIET! And men...of course not. They are THE HEAD OF THE HOUSHOLD and the AUTHORITY and have RULERSHIP.

yuck.

It's some very putrid stuff.

And some of it was expressed in church yesterday morning. I have such a hard time with it. It's the same as when those nudge-nudge wink-wink references to spanking are brought up - that kind of 'good-ole-boy' chuckle from a lot of the men, and a lot of the women look all pouty but cute and nod their heads.

The problem is, I must be reading a different Bible. I don't find anywhere that a man who is loving and cherishing his wife as Christ loved, gave, etc. will find humor in openly mocking his spouse's gender. I don't find anywhere in my Bible that a man is to be threatened by a strong woman, or a woman who is allowed to participate in church functions.

Mutual submission, people, loving and cherishing. Total giving over of one's self to another. That's what it's supposed to be about.

My views aren't exactly a secret in my circle. And so now, I'm labeled a feminist.

If I must be labeled, I prefer 'reformer' or 'advocate'. Those terms express much more clearly who I am.

I'm devoted to my church. I embrace her teachings. But it needs reform - desperately - in the overall attitude toward women and children.

My husband? He's a feminist too, I guess. So's my pastor. Because neither of them feel threatened by women.

Some of the others? They feel very threatened. And maybe they should! After all...when the day comes where the women and children are given a voice, their version of patriarchy will be overturned.

Oh Happy Day....

Confessions of a Former Spanker...

2006-04-09T08:16:00.000-04:00

I was talking to a relative-by-marriage yesterday. One of those unavoidable (unless you're prepared to cut ties entirely) extended family gatherings.

Anyway, MIL brought up 'breaking the will' and 'using the rod'. Maybe she thought I wouldn't say something in front of the extended family? I've used Bean Dip until I'm blue in the face. (I think I'm missing the part where I say "end of discussion" and leave ;) )

So, I tried ignoring it. She persisted. I smiled sweetly and bean dipped her. She persisted. So I looked at RBM and said "My husband and I don't use any sort of physical discipline. That's why MIL is peeved."

RBM got all teary-eyed. She confessed to spanking all of her children, some more so than others. She even broke a broom handle over the back of one. But she said "I cried every time I did it. It brought back memories of seeing my brother abused. And I break down crying now every time I see a child get spanked. And it didn't work on my son - it turned him into an angry man who beat his girlfriend. But I know the Bible says "Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child." It's just so hard to do that!"

My heart was breaking as I listened to her. And I felt anger, too. Anger at the injustice of a world where the most sacred of all writings is used to mandate child abuse. Anger at the churches who preach such garbage in the Name of God.

Don't worry, it's not the sinful kind of anger. It's righteous anger. It's anger that motivates me to do everything I can to get our world to the day where this kind of trash is not promoted. It's anger that makes me want to protect the helpless ones.

And it also fills me with compassion - toward every single mother and father who looks back on their career as a spanker with sincere regret. To those of you who are there now - remember - God's Grace can cover that too. He has forgiven you.

The dark side of extremism....

2006-04-03T22:11:00.000-04:00

That's all I can think of to call it.

An assistant pastor, a young man. Younger than I am, actually. And he's just proved that he is made from the same mold as his family.

"God doesn't want you to have anything to do with anyone in your family who is lost. Especially if they are a 'backslider'. Even more so if they now attend another church than ours. If you don't agree with me, just pray and God will reveal it."

For the record, that zinger came from my in-laws. They attend a church that my husband and I are thankfully no longer a part of.

My mother in law agrees. It's Bible, she said. When I asked for chapter and verse, the best she could come up with was "well, a man of God said it, so I have to obey it."

And I watched my sister-in-law cry, as she realized that she was no longer welcomed at family gatherings. That she wasn't good enough to be part of the family. All because she doesn't live by some man's rules.

I know of at least 10 homes that have just shattered apart over this in the last week. Grandparents who will no longer visit grandchildren, because that would be 'condoning the sin in their lives.' Children kicked out of the home.

How long, Lord? How long will abuse be perpetuated in Your Name?!

What a mockery of the Gospel this is....when rules govern everything from the color of one's hose to the marriage bed.

When a church school won't let a graduate receive a diploma during graduation, because they didn't have a 'verified salvation experience.' When the length of women's dresses becomes an issue to kick people out of the church. When a church builds a 'discipline' room and hands out TTUAC.

It's spiritual abuse. And it's deadly.

I know, because I just watched a woman's spirit wither and die today over it.

It's an abomination before the Lord.

And I'm struggling to pray as Jesus did..."Father, please forgive them. They know not what they do."

The sins of the father?

2006-04-03T22:04:00.000-04:00

I get so very annoyed by this assumption. I ran into it again today..."so and so is having a hard life because his family is no good. We all know the children suffer because of generational sins."

I get angry when I hear this. To me, that theology negates Calvary.

Some would say (and have said, even recently) that I am stuck in my past, and that I am reaping the results of my parents' sin. That somehow, the guilt for their choices is upon my head. That's just not so.

I was victimized, yes. It does shape how I respond to my son. But it's not the totality of who I am, and I certainly don't bear the shame of it. I speak of it here, because I hope to point out the repercussions of certain mainstream-within-fundamentalist-american-homeschooling-deeply religious-families child rearing tactics.

But I do not answer to God for anyone else's sin but my own!

(And mine is covered by the Cross, thank you very much!)

Not to Me

2006-03-29T22:01:00.000-05:00

Not to Me

When you made me bend over
Face down on the bed
And hold the position
While you used the red paddle
Or the oak switch
Or the board

When repeatedly the sound
Of my flesh being struck filled the room
And my silence was cause for more blows
And my cries of pain were seen
As signs of submission
That cleansed my soul

When you made me hold you close
And say I was sorry for the wrong I had done
While inside I seethed at the injustice
My spirit revolted at the lack of mercy
My mind tried and failed to know
How this was for my own good

When each day that this continued
Was a day that you rejoiced
In your self-righteous pleasure
Of following God
You did not do this to me.

(You did it to Jesus.)

And the King will tell them, `I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'
Matthew 25:40

Never Violence....

2006-03-29T20:25:00.000-05:00

A quote attributed to Astrid Lindgren (author of Pippi Longstocking)

"

Never Violence

a story told by Astrid Lindgren [Author of Pippi Longstocking]

"Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence." In 1978, Astrid Lindgren received the German Book Trade Peace Prize for her literary contributions. In acceptance, she told the following story.

"When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking - the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, "Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me."

All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery - one can raise children into violence."

I think that too often we fail to feel situations "from the child's point of view," and that failure leads us to teach our children other than what we think we're teaching them."

From this site.

So....are you my friend?

2006-03-29T08:29:00.000-05:00

As I was playing with my kiddo today ( eating bunny cookies, playing the Doodle game from Blues Clues, measuring how wide his hands are and how tall his toy monkey is and seeing how many jumps he could do in a row - you know, all the usual mommy/son stuff!) I was thinking.

Right now, I'm his playdate friend. There's really no one around that he plays with on a regular basis, and my best friend and her family live an hour away. With gas close to $3 a gallon, it's a trip we don't make that often. And my son is an only.

He's stuck with me. And we have serious, serious cabin fever here after being shut in so much of the winter. The couple hours he had outdoors the other day haven't been enough to get out the months of being cooped indoors!

Anyway...I was enjoying playing with him. And he's not hesitant to run up to me and say "I need Mommy to hold you!" or "Come pway a game with me, Mama!" And most of the time, I can. And I do.

I'm grateful that I don't see him as a Twinkie twerp, or a strong-willed, manipulative monster. Or a Nazi. Or a dictator. Or a brat. Or any one of the nasty, degrading terms that I can find in the first chapter of almost any so-called Christian parenting book in my reference library.

There's almost nothing in there about being your child's friend. Lots of junk about always winning, about defiant children asking for a spanking as they stare you down, about the hundred and one ways that a parent needs to exert control.

I have a novel idea -

What about LIKING your child(ren)?!?! What about exercising your parental, God-given authority in a way that isn't dictatorial or abusive? What about letting your child bask in your love as you discipline (teach, guide, disciple) them through life? What about being your child's friend?

I do remember, as a teen, making a comment like that to my mother. Something to the effect of "Now that I'm growing up, it will be nice to be your friend, not just your daughter."
She was shocked - the whole icky 'christian' parenting stuff so firmly entrenched in her mind - that she responded "I can't ever be your friend! I'm your mother!"

This is what the so-called 'experts' are teaching generations of families. If there is an authority structure, there is no friendship. People that attempt to be friends with their children are permissive, spineless wimps with out of control kids. And yes, those terms are actually used!

This is what I have to say to that.

I don't care who you are. I don't care what degrees you hold. I don't care what (overstated, exaggerated, and sometimes false) credentials you have. I don't care how many girdles you were hit with as a kid, or if you are big enough to whip a dog for an hour. I don't care how folksy you talk, or how cute you find it to see a toddler hitting her doll. I don't care about your radio shows or your books or your speaking ministry.

Nothing you can do or say will stop me from loving my child. I'm innoculated against every drop of poison you spew out. I am my child's authority and his friend.

We aren't enemy combatants on a battlefield 18 years wide. We are a family, and we are in this, together, for life.

My husband made an interesting observation....

2006-03-27T07:15:00.000-05:00

yesterday afternoon. One of those jaw-dropping, light-bulb flashing, "aHA!" moments that happen every now and again.

We were talking about some of the spiritual abuse that he and I have experienced in the past, and how very harsh some 'ministers of the gospel' have become. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should stop for a second and offer a quick prayer of thanksgiving. If you do know what I'm talking about, then I don't need to go into great detail. I can just do a quick summary...

Well-intentioned man enters ministry. People respond to his message. Man gets a following (large, small, in between, doesn't seem to matter.) Man becomes sure that he has *the* true message. Man gets increasing revelation from somewhere that he thinks is God. Begins imposing ever increasing bizarre rules governing the behavior of his following. Words like "flock" and "warriors" and "worldy" become buzzwords. Extreme emphasis is placed upon self-denial, solemnity, and solidarity.

Some people realize that this is *not* what Christianity is. They step out of the group-think and speak up.

Then comes the ostracism, the shunning, the whispered gossip, the verbal assaults from the pulpit. The rules are increased for the remaining 'faithful', because, after all - the problem just can't be with the system. If the rules had been tighter, they would have provided a hedge so tall and thick that no one would have wanted to climb it. Those still in the group are discouraged from interaction with the ones who have left. I mean, even if they look happy and act happy and seem free for the first time, inside they are miserable for leaving the flock. They have *gasp* BACKSLIDDEN!

My husband - who has not been reading the very lively discussions on GCM about this very topic - had this to say:

These pastors have not grasped God's Grace. They preach it, they say they walk in it, but they don't. What they are under is self-imposed legalism and punishment. They were conditioned as children to believe that the ONLY thing that removes sin is pain. So, they have to inflict pain on themselves for their perceived failures. And they have to dominate the congregation with emotional pain for their perceived failures. These men do not believe that Calvary washed away their sin for once and for all. They believe what their parents conditioned them to believe - that you have to be made to feel bad for acting bad. And the more miserable you feel, the easier it becomes to act bad - making necessary even more pain.

Is that not an astute observation? The cycle of pain and punishment, played out on a large scale with one parent and many children. And it goes without saying that these men are the same ones who are pushing pain and punishment for children. These are the ones urging vigorous application of the rod, because that's the only thing that will turn the children into the automatons they need to be, to function in the extreme dysfunction of the group.

You notice I say "men" in these scenarios. It's always been men in my experience. After all, women and children should have no voice that has not been censored by a man. They might have something to say that threatens the current hierarchy. Their voice may be one of reasoning and...dare I say it...Grace!

How blessed I am to have my husband - he is strong enough to not be scared of my intellect, my thoughts, my voice. He understands that I stand beside him at the throne of Grace. That "boldly" is how we both approach God.

I am his helpmate, not his doormat. And together, we are finding our way beyond our past. Together, we are becoming strong. Together, we are finding the courage to break the hold of what we've experienced. Together, we have determined that our son will never be bound by those chains of punishment and pain. Together, we have purposed to walk in Grace!

The intuition of children...

2006-03-24T08:19:00.000-05:00

My husband and I were having a conversation this morning over breakfast for him and coffee for me. (I'm doing pretty darn good to COOK at 7 am. Don't expect me to eat at that hour! bleccch!)

Of course, there's no better topic to start one's day out with than an intense conversation about child molestation, children's intuition, and reading your children's signals.

Yes, I do have a story to tell about that. But it isn't my story to tell here - I refuse to re-exploit someone who's been exploited in every possible way. Suffice it to say, there was a reason we were discussing it. And we both have some very strong feelings on this subject.

So, it led to an exploration of children's feelings, and why and how we as adults tend to discount them.

Of course, this conversation with my husband brought some memories to the surface. He's a great sounding board for things like that. Sharing them takes the shame away from them - hearing a rational adult tell me that it's ok, that my childhood isn't my fault - that's very healing.

Anyway, we were talking about a particular incident in my childhood. There was a relative-by-marriage that I despised. I was all of four years old, and I knew deep within my four year old heart that he was a very scary, very sick man. I was terrified of him. I remember an occasion when he reached out, grabbed me, and kissed me. I reacted as vehemently as a kid can...*YUCK*! (big glare) GET AWAY! (as I swiped at my cheek.)

Yes, I was forced to kiss him, apologize for my rudeness, and then was 'disciplined'.

Fast forward a few years. Turns out this creep was a wife-beating, cheating, no good son of a gun. The whole family flew up in arms against him. Trashing him was the order of the day. I listened to many conversations on just what had been done to his wife. Heard more than I was ready to about domestic violence, and what all it entails. Listened to the threats of retaliatory violence, the death wishes, the swearing and raging. Heard a lot about the dynamics of spousal abuse, and what prompts a battered wife to stay and even protect her abuser. Learned a lot about abuse, and what prompts someone to finally have enough. To leave and never look back.

The other lesson I learned? That this was such a horrible, no good thing - not because she was a person who had been battered, but because she was an adult person who had been battered.

There was no one taking up the cause of the children who were experiencing the same things. No one to see the similarity between "I'm doing this to you because you deserve it! If you had acted better, I wouldn't have to hit you. You need to learn your lesson! If you do right, I'll never have to do this again. I love you so much! I hate having to hurt you this way. Here, give me a kiss..." when applied to an adult or when applied to a child.

I'm going to make a daring comment here - but like I've posted before - it's my experience.

We recoil in horror at the thought of a woman being raped at the hands of a violent spouse, when he wants his dark needs met after a good round of wife bashing.

But that scene is played out from both sides, each time a child is hit. One gets to be the dominant one, inflict the pain, express remorse, and force a 'loving talk, hug and kiss.Don't end the session until your child has voluntarily hugged you.' And one - the smaller, more helpless one, gets to be the one with the pain inflicted upon them. They get to be the one with their body violated, and then their emotions twisted and raped afterward. Nothing is more demeaning and soul crushing than to be forced to open your most vulnerable parts to someone who has just hit you.

See, children know this instictively. Intituitively. We are born with an awareness that each of us is inescapably a child of God, and, as such, were created to be treated with dignity and respect. Then that message is beaten out of us, by parents who truly feel that the best way to show nurturing is through vigorous application of the rod.

Some internalize that overbearing secondary message - the one that says they deserve what they get. Those are the ones I know who perpetuate the circle of violence toward their own children. Those are the ones who struggle with boundaries in their own lives - who engage in self destructive behavior and can't figure out why.

Then there are others - the more strong willed perhaps? The worm who has turned? The battered wife who finally escapes? others who stand up and say "no more".

No more violence. No more cycle of abuse. No more "god-mandated" attempt to crush the very will and spirit (and sometimes, even the spark of life) in our children. No more listening to the voices of those who want to silence the children.

Instead, let's get back in touch with the Divine.

Let us learn from our children.

Let's remember in Whose image we are created, and upon Whom we visit every action we do, whether evil or good.

According to Wikipedia...

2006-03-23T10:01:00.000-05:00

(discovered as I did a search through such topics as 'second-class citizen', 'human rights', 'civil rights', etc, which led to me stumbling upon the entry for torture), these are the characteristics of someone who will torture another person.

Motivation to torture

It was long thought that "good" people would not torture and only "bad" ones would, under normal circumstances. Research over the past 50 years suggests a disquieting alternative view, that under the right circumstances and with the appropriate encouragement and setting, most people can be encouraged to actively torture others. Stages of torture mentality include:

Reluctant or peripheral participation(no one WANTS to hit their kid)
Official encouragement: As the Stanford prison experiment and Milgram experiment show, many people will follow the direction of an authority figure (such as a superior officer) in an official setting (especially if presented as a compulsory obligation), even if they have personal uncertainty. The main motivations for this appear to be fear of loss of status or respect, and the desire to be seen as a "good citizen" or "good subordinate".(God says you must beat them with the rod to save their soul from Hell. You are a reprobate, humanistic, godless person if you do not hit your child.)
Peer encouragement: to accept torture as necessary, acceptable or deserved, or to comply from a wish to not reject peer group beliefs. At worst this leads to torture gangs roaming the streets seeking dominant torture status.(So and so is teaching a nifty class on how to do things 'God's Way.' My pastor says we must 'Train up a Child'.Good Christians obey their pastor.)
Dehumanization: seeing victims as objects of curiosity and experimentation, where pain becomes just another test to see how it affects the victim.(I wonder how many times I will have to spank my 6 month old before he stops wriggling when I change his diaper? That manipulative little brat deserves what he gets for defying my God-given authority!)
Disinhibition: socio-cultural and situational pressures may cause torturers to undergo a lessening of moral inhibitions and as a result act in ways not normally countenanced by law, custom and conscience. (Good Christians take their children, assault their bodies, inflict pain and sometimes bruises, then hit the child again if they don't smile and acknowledge it as necessary to their spiritual well-being.)
Organisationally, like many other procedures, once torture becomes established as part of internally acceptable norms under certain circumstances, its use often becomes institutionalised and self-perpetuating over time, as what was once used exceptionally for perceived necessity finds more reasons claimed to justify wider use.(My 4 month old gummed my nipple when she nursed! My 7 month old crawled off the blanket! My 2 year old asked TWICE for a treat after I said no! My 4 year old wanted to stay at the park two minutes longer than I said! My 12 year old back-talked me! My 14 year old expressed an opinion that I disagreed with!)

Am I the only one who draws a parrallel here? Or do others see, too, how group think mentality leads to the abominable treatment of our children? Otherwise loving parents, church leaders, teachers - all under the influence of parenting gurus and mis-interpreted Scripture. There needs to be some severe accountablity for those who peddle child torture in the name of the Lord. How God must weep at each cry from one of the little ones....How many tears He has kept in a bottle - tears that never should have been cried....

More about church sanctioned abuse...

2006-03-23T07:45:00.000-05:00

Not that I want this blog to be all about terribly depressing things. But this whole thing with Sean's death is weighing heavily on my spirit. Writing is cathartic. Hence, this entry.

Church sanctioned abuse. In my mind, this is what it comes down to. I've no desire to inundated with comments from people desiring to convince me of the errors in that statement. I've been raised in it deeper than most of you could comprehend. This is my life, my perspective, my experience. I must name it as I see it.

See, I grew up in a tradition where it was drilled into me. "If you embarrass me in public, I will embarrass you in public." At church, this meant a walk down the center aisle (sometimes a firm hand on my arm, sometimes a firm grip on my ear, sometimes pressure on my shoulder.Why, I don't know, as I knew running away was useless.) Out the door, into the Southern night, where I had to choose a switch from the oak tree. Not a small one, because if I chose too small, I got extra licks for trying to avoid punishment. Too big was just stupid. The 'right' size, of course, was the one that would administer maximum sting with minimal parental effort.

Then, I had to bend over the tree stump that was crawling with ants and beetles. Oh - did I mention that this was all done on a street corner of a busy intersection in the city? So, however many hits my parents determined necessary, after which I was expected to be in tears and demonstrate sincere repentance. The proper way of demonstrating repentance was, of course, to hug and kiss the person who had just publically humiliated me and violated every personal body boundary I had.

After that, it was back down the long aisle into church (of course we sat on the front row! It's holier and less distracting.) Whichever parent had 'disciplined' me received a smile of affirmation from the other parent, and from the congregation at large. They were able to rest happy in the knowledge that everyone knew just how much control they exercised over me. And Heaven forbid I actually looked sad or continued to cry after that! I was actually spanked again for my 'bad attitude' if I didn't look properly content.

That's just what went on where other people could see. At home...well....I try not to think too much about that.

And it was all done in the name of God, with the church's full approval. Not once did anyone step forward and say 'You know, there may be a better way.' Not once did anyone try to stop it, or defend me or my siblings. Why would they? My parents were actually some of the least harsh! I have friends who quite literally 'ate off the mantle for a week.' At least my bruises never lasted more than two days - the visible ones, anyway.

To this day, I cringe when someone snaps their fingers. As a kid, one snap meant 'look at me.' Two snaps meant 'cease immediately.' Three or more snaps? That was reserved for the rare occasion when my parents didn't dare hit us on the spot. It meant not only a 'regular' spanking when we got home, but, I'm sure, a few extra hits out of frustration with their inability to do so in public. (Along with commentary about the 'godlessness' of a world where parents had to be scared to hit their children where others might report them. At church, they weren't afraid because they could step in the door, and know that identification would be impossible.)

We were hit for not being happy enough. Hit for being TOO happy, and therefore 'rambunctious'. For doing wrong. For doing RIGHT, with the 'wrong attitude'.

The answer to every parental frustration, exasperation, inadequacy, bad day, or just-sick-of-parenting-so-many-kids-moment was a spanking.

And they rested in the fact that they were just fulfilling their godly duty toward me.

Lest you think that this was just extremism, or one weird, fringe church - I've attended churches in 3 countries, 2000 miles or more apart. The church I'm attending now is the first one to NOT embrace this policy from the pulpit. Unfortunately, there are some parents in my current church who still frog-march their poor children out to hit them. But that's becoming more rare, and I'm becoming more vocal. *Someone* has to speak up for the helpless ones!

My parents have an idealized view of my childhood. They remember happy, peaceful days. Obedient children. Admiration of their peers for their well behaved family. Their house was in order. They were obeying God.

Should they ever stumble upon this blog, they would be horrified to read what I've written.

Because when you're the one swinging the stick, you have to disconnect yourself. Stuff your emotions. Convince yourself that you are really, truly, doing this to a helpless kid 'for their own good'. You have to live so deeply in denial that you insist that everyone around you repeat your tactics with their own children. If someone else does it, then it wasn't so bad for you to do it, right?

One of my saddest memories from childhood is the day I was so scared, in so much pain, and so desperate that I screamed out "Jesus, please help me!" in the midst of a spanking.

My mother replied, as she grunted with the effort she was putting into the swing, "Don't even think about asking Him for help! He's the one who said you need this!"

And I can't help but wonder...did Sean cry out too? Did he, in the middle of his pain, scream out for God? God answered his prayer. He took Sean home, where he will never again feel the pain of someone who should protect him instead hurting him to the point of death.

How many other Seans are out there? How many pastors, how many self-annointed 'ministers to parents', how many mothers and fathers have blood on their hands before God? How many deaths will it take before our eyes are opened? How many more children must live with scars before we finally rise up and say "No more!" ?

Boycott in Progress....

2006-03-21T07:02:00.000-05:00

My friend Joanne has some great posts on the ongoing boycott of the sites, blogging servers, and homeschool conferences and events that support the Pearls and NGJ Ministries.

I'm not officially a homeschooler yet, in the sense that my son is too young for me to have to register him as being homeschooled. I do believe that schooling (or unschooling, if you will) starts from birth. I'm a product of the homeschool movement - I never went to a public or private school. So I'm a homeschooled mama who is now and will continue to be a homeschooling mama!

In that spirit, I am entirely supportive of the boycott. Ideally, I'd love to see homeschool conferences spring up that have no tolerance for violent, abusive materials such as the Pearls teach. Conferences where torture implements and discussions on the best way to hide bruises from Child Protective Services are nowhere to be found. I understand that we're not at that point yet, and homeschool families that need to attend conferences may have no choice but to attend those that support the Pearls.

So, I've come up with a partial solution to that particular aspect. I've designed a couple of logos for advocacy wear. Profits from this store are being distributed to several homeschool/positive discipline ministries.

The logos may also be freely used in any electronic media to promote the boycott. Please remember to rightclick to save these to your own computer, then upload as desired.Also, I ask that you link back to one of the following:
Gentle Christian Mothers
Positive Discipline Resource Center
Arms of Love Family Fellowship
This blog
or
the TTUAC Advocacy Wear store.

Join the boycott. Speak out. I don't care if you spank or don't spank. If you use time outs or not. That's irrelevant to the issue at hand - the promotion of violence%

What a sad, sad story.....

2006-03-20T08:57:00.000-05:00

The story of a 4 year old boy, who suffocated after being wrapped in a blanket as punishment. As the article states, the mother was doing her best to follow 'Biblical Discipline' as set forth by some self proclaimed parenting experts. (Michael and Debi Pearl, of No Greater Joy ministries.)

I certainly don't think the Pearls condone murder! I imagine they are as broken hearted over Sean's death as any of us are. Any normal human being would be moved to tears over the senseless death of a 4 year old at his adoptive mother's hands.

Are the Pearls to blame for his death? Directly, no. Of course not. They aren't the ones who wrapped him in a blanket so tightly that he smothered to death. I'm sure, had they been able to see the outcome, they would have been on her doorstep begging her to stop.

Are they indirectly to blame for his death? That's something that a judge and jury will be deciding, as Sean's murderer's lawyer has stated. It's in their plans for a defense.

I hope it can be proved. Not to bring trouble to the Pearls, but to serve as a wakeup call to all my Christian friends who have fallen hook, line, and sinker for the bad theology, antagonistic view of children, misogynistic view of women, and dictatorial tactics that Mr. Pearl proclaims.

His book, To Train up a Child, has done more harm to Christian, homeschool, fundamentalist families then any other book I can think of. Those I know personally who use it all say the same thing: "He talks about relationship! He thinks fathers should be involved closely with children! He wants families to worship together! He supports breastfeeding! homeschooling! natural living! large families!" It's like a mantra that, once chanted enough, dulls the senses to exactly how he thinks these things should be achieved.

And how is that? Well, I've read his books. I read his newsletters (although I'm sick all day after reading one.) He has such charming suggestions as hitting a FOUR MONTH OLD repeatedly with a 1/8" diameter stick. Pushing a toddler into water to create a fear of drowning. Enticing a toddler with open flame so they will learn the meaning of hot. He instructs parents to 'rejoice' when their child is bullied. And let's not forget toilet training - after all, any 2.5 yo that isn't potty trained must be 'enjoying' the 'loving attention' of his mama. So, you take that mama's boy outdoors, preferably in the fall or winter, and hose him down with cold water each time he has an accident. Oh yes - he admonishes parents to allow their older children to hit the younger kids, as well. And little ones are supposed to practice training their dollies, too.

And that's not even touching his response to child molestors (if they say sorry, let them stay in the house with the molested kids. After all, God hates divorce!) Or his viewpoint on churches (hotbeds of brattiness and criminal intent) or youth groups (full of horny teens just waiting to get into your daughter's bed. Hmmm...maybe if we teach our daughters that they own their bodies, and they don't have to submit to anyone and everyone who has external genitalia....perhaps we wouldn't need to fear those teenage boys!)

There's so much more that could be said about NGJ and the Pearls. And it is being said. I'm not the only one who is angered, saddened, and sickened by the garbage they are cloaking in the (KJV only) Bible and shoving down the throat of all these families. Families who want nothing more than to be Godly, and rear Godly children. Families who are tired of Hollywood dictating their lives, tired of permissiveness, tired of our decadent culture. Families who need to know that there is a better way indeed. There is a Godly way to rear children. A way that doesn't involve permissiveness. A way that doesn't involve repeated striking of babies, and other terror tactics that would get any soldier dishonorably discharged.

It's called Grace-Based Discipline or Effective Practical Parenting or Positive Discipline. There are many names for it. And if Sean's mom had reached out for help to one of these resources, Sean would still be alive today.

So I just read....

2006-03-19T13:59:00.000-05:00

Protecting the Gift
by Gavin de Becker. What an eye opening book!It made me profoundly sad, because it's information that could have changed my life and the life of my family. Yet, at the same time, it gave me hope. It validated my feelings, and gave a little nudge to my intuition that I had been ignoring. I know that ultimately, what happens to us is governed by God. But just as we are told to be good stewards of our money, we should be careful guardians of our children. This book contributed to the knowledge I need to help keep my son safe in a very scary world. I'd recommend it to anyone who has children, babysits children, or cares about children.

I also read Hating Women:America's Hostile Campaign Against the Fairer Sex
by Shmuley Boteach.
I'm not crazy about all the Kaballah references in it. Not quite sure I embrace the whole masculine/feminine energies of God idea. But I wholeheartedly agree with the premise of the book - feminism has let us down. We've given up our right to be treated as women worthy of respect in exchange for the 'freedom' to be PlayMate of the Month. I've often complained about the common perception that to be a liberated woman, one must be vulgar, dress provocatively, and be...mmm...less than monogamous. This book was worthwhile in that while it mostly repudiates patriarchy (surprising from an Orthodox Jew!) it also calls for a return to defined gender roles. I enjoyed the book overall - and I'm unable to watch a movie now without seeing things from that viewpoint.

Welcome to my spot on the Web!

2006-03-19T08:11:00.000-05:00

I'm totally incapable of setting up this blog and not putting up at least one post, just to prove I'm here. I'll work more on this later.

I do want to transfer over some of my musings from the message board I live on but that will have to wait for when I have more time.

Right now, I need to play with my ds, who is currently bouncing off the walls. His strep throat meds kicked in well before mine. Ugh. I'm glad HE'S feeling better, anyway ;)